There's no right or wrong way to feel I guess. There are just feelings....tumbling around - becoming confused when they clash in to one another. All held together by the numbness of a new death.
I don't think I'll ever get used to this - the aftermath. The deep sadness of losing someone I love. The relief of a suffering ended. Did he suffer? He did. Briefly. In the end, when the pain to stay was greater than the strength to continue being here. The very end though - his very end, his last breath - was gentle.
A few soft breaths....then no more. Gone. Just like that. 66 years and 16 days encapsulated in one final peaceful exhale. A perfect death. Painless. In the comfort and familiarity of home - surrounded by loved ones.
Sitting on the back deck afterward, waiting for the undertaker to arrive - the world looked so normal. So gloriously normal - a beautiful, clear, sunshiny day. Everything seemingly the same as the days before - but in reality....nothing will ever be the same again. It feels strange and alien. Once again, my world has become smaller. The beginning of a new normal. How quickly life changes.
