17 04 2001
Dear Mum
I'm sorry I couldn't give you the death we'd talked about - low lights & soft music....surrounded by love & peace. A gentle departure from this earth.
I'm sorry it instead came so harsh. I honestly thought I could do it - calmly hold your hand while you took your last breath.
I'm sorry. So very sorry, for turning into a daughter being faced with a life without her mother and wanting to fight to keep you here. In those seconds when the reality of that hit....everything we had so calmly spoken about in the weeks before....every ounce of loving resolve I had of allowing you to leave me simply disappeared. The thought of letting you go became too big. I had to fight for you to stay. I had to fight for me. You have always been my light and in those seconds I couldn't face the thought of living in a world without that spark.
I love you
Me x
